Eating disorders. They suck.

A lot of people know and have read the long, long story that I wrote a while back about my eating disorder, but I never got into the graphic details about it. I was asked to summarize my eating disorder for my friend who is doing a project on anorexia/bulimia and I’d like to share it on here. It’s shorter, more concise (I’m a lot older now and can . .  . write a little bit better) and pretty detailed. I want to share this story because it illustrates how eating disorder patients are always still suffering, no matter how physically healthy they are.

I want to spread awareness. I want to show people why I have this tattooed on my body. Most of all, I want you to love the body you’re in and recognize all of the incredible things it can do for you.

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I developed anorexia/bulimia when I was 17. One day I wanted to see how long I could go without eating and I felt so proud of myself after I did that. Eventually it turned into a habit and I went from 135 pounds to 105 pounds. I just hate (and still hate) my body type. I wanted —and still sort of want —to be skeletal. I wanted my clavicle and ribs to jut out and once it started doing that, I became so “happy.” I remember sitting with my friends at lunch and thinking I had so much will power because I was better than them for not eating. I ruined relationships with my family and turned into a liar. Anorexia turns you into a huge liar because you have to constantly lie about eating and purging. I remember purging in the shower and in the woods in my backyard. I would bring a toothbrush to school and purge there in the bathroom after lunch. My family didn’t live with me anymore. They lived with an eating disorder.

I stole laxatives from my mom and abused them all the time. I took so many laxatives every day. I only ate soft foods (ice cream, jello) so that they would come up easier. I was so thin and I felt high from starvation. It literally gave me so much euphoria. Temporary euphoria, that is. I would always go home to a brokenhearted family who watched their daughter wither away. I remember my dad, my stoic, unemotional, callous correctional officer of a father came up to my room, hugged me as I laid in bed, and just bawled his eyes out.

But that didn’t stop me from starvation.

I was obsessed with myself. I loved my new body. I threw out all of my clothes so my mom would buy me smaller clothes. She drove me two hours to therapy and the doctors every day and I always lied to them. Always told them I would get better and that I wanted to get better, but I wouldn’t.

So my starving and purging went on for two years, on and off. I finally started to make real improvement when I got to college and joined cross country. When you run as much as I do, you’re forced to feed yourself, and running pretty much saved me and my body. Running forced me to eat and I remembered how much I loved food. College and running, and an incredible support system out at college really saved me.

But did I recover? Well . . . physically I have. Mentally, no. I don’t think eating disorder patients ever fully recover. I will always hate my body. I try crazy diets all the time and sometimes go days where I starve myself because I miss the “high” that I get. I drink and eat too much fiber on purpose because I miss what laxatives did for me. I binge and sometimes I even make myself throw up. I still hate my body and think I am morbidly obese, and a lot of it has to do with the pressure society has put on me. I wish I didn’t hate my body and it breaks my parents’ hearts to see their daughter hate the way she looks and I wish I didn’t but I do.

And a lot of people feel exactly like I do.

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2 thoughts on “Eating disorders. They suck.

  1. Lynn Shea

    Hunter I am sorry you are still suffering. I know you won’t believe this but beauty doesn’t come from the outside it comes from the inside. You have always been beautiful to me, inside and out. I am also proud of you for not only sharing your story but, also for doing your best to fight the good fight with your disease. You are one tough woman and you Hunter can succeed at anything and everything you set your mind too, you have proved that, time and time again. I love you xoxo

    • huntersamuelson

      Thank you so much Lynn! I love you so much and you will always be like a second mother to me. You are inspiring, optimistic, positive and beautiful inside and out. I can’t wait to visit over the summer! I will be home in May! ❤ Your words truly touch me

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